Donnie Darko

I watched Donnie Darko tonight and thought this to be one of the best movie lines ever:

Donnie Darko: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?

Little Miss Sunshine

I made a DVD purchase the other day because I feel so strongly about the movie Little Miss Sunshine. Please don't judge this DVD by the title...it was the best movie of 2006 without a doubt. It is available to rent...see me if you want to borrow it.

Here is a brief review:

Olive is a little girl with a dream: winning the Little Miss Sunshine contest. Her family wants her dream to come true, but they are so burdened with their own quirks, neuroses, and problems that they can barely make it through a day without some disaster befalling them. Olive's father Richard is a flop as a motivational speaker, and is barely on speaking terms with her mother. Her uncle Frank, a renowned Proust scholar, has attempted suicide following an unsuccessful romance with a male graduate student. Her brother Dwayne, a fanatical follower of Nietzsche, has taken a vow of silence, which allows him to escape somewhat from the family whose very presence torments him. And Olive's grandfather is a ne'er-do-well with a drug habit, but at least he enthusiastically coaches Olive in her contest talent routine. Circumstances conspire to put the entire family on the road together with the goal of getting Olive to the Little Miss Sunshine contest in far off California.

The Dead Draft

In the past, we have discussed having an interoffice dead pool. I propose we make 2007 the year where we pull this off. If you are not familiar with the dead pool, the short and sweet explanation follows:

For other uses, see Dead pool (disambiguation) A dead pool, also known as a deathpool or a ghoul pool is a game of prediction which involves guessing when someone will die. Sometimes it is a bet where money is involved. The combination of dead or death and betting-pool, refers to such a gambling arrangement. A typical modern dead pool might have players pick out celebrities who they think will die within the year. There are several scoring variants. For example, a player might be rewarded few, if any, points for predicting the death of someone who is over 80 years old or is suffering from a terminal disease. Another common method to calculate score is subtracting the celebrity's age from 100. Other pools require participants to form a list ranked on how sure they are that a person on the list will die, with points given based on how high a person on their list is ranked, and others award points based on how many other contestants selected the deceased celebrity. Another variant on the game has a single point awarded for each correct prediction, regardless of the celebrity's age or medical condition. The advantage of this scoring method is that there is more scoring, and it rewards research (learning which celebrities are experiencing failing health) rather than luck.

We can discuss how intricate our scoring system will be if we decide to pull the trigger on this (pun intended).

Who's in?

Book Review: Hannibal Rising

Ever since I saw Silence of the Lambs, I have been enamored with the character of Hannibal Lechter, and the writings of Thomas Harris. I often wonder if Hannibal was the character that Thomas Harris wanted to be remembered by. He was an integral character in his first two books, Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs, but never the focus of the stories. In fact, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lechter appeared in slightly over 16 minutes out of the 118 minutes of film. The main story was always the cat and mouse games of the FBI and serial killer. Hannibal gave us a unique perspective of the serial killer psyche. I truly believe that Anthony Hopkins incredible portrayal of Lechter's intelligent ruthless character created a bit of a monster, pun intended. Every book thereafter focused on Hannibal and seemed to be written with the sole prospect of becoming film. Hannibal, the 3rd book wasn't a bad story, but still felt forced. That leads to Hannibal Rising.

Rising chronicles a young Hannibal Lechter and the circumstances that led to him becoming the Chianti sipping cannibalistic serial killer we have all come to know and love. Hannibal, a child of a nobleman growing up in Lithuania is uprooted from his home during World War 2 as Nazi Germany is making it's sweep East towards Russia. His family is displaced, hiding for 3 years in the woods as the battle rages on. His family meets a tragic end, leaving he and his sisters in the capture of Lithuanian rebels. Hannibal's sister, Mischa is eaten by the starving soldiers to survive. The story follows Hannibal's escape from the soldiers, return to his family, his contempt for those who bully, are rude, or just loathsome and ultimately his revenge upon those who killed his sister. The book is written in a different style then Harris' other novels. The movie has been in production for over a year, and it seems as though the book has been adapted from the screenplay. All in all, not a bad read and worth it if you are a fan of the Hannibal novels and character. I read it in roughly 2 days.

Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Chianti's

Aaron Karo is a comedic genius

Do the right thing and sign up for Aaron Karo's bi-monthly emails that I forward on from time to time. You can also catch up on his old columns by visiting his web site.

Here is a taste of his comedic brilliance from a couple different columns...

"Ladies, does your boyfriend, husband, brother, son, or male co-worker constantly adjust his crotch area? Well, guess what – we all do that. It’s genetic. It’s a package deal that came with our, uh, package. Listen, if you want us to keep the toilet seat down for no good reason, we get to scratch our balls. That’s just the way it’s gonna be."

"Why is it that most people cannot comprehend the “boarding by group number” process at the airport? Hey, grandpa, it’s not that fucking difficult!! Does it say Group 2 on your ticket? No? Then get the fuck to the back of the line!!"

"Have you ever been about to wish someone a Happy Birthday, but before you could say anything they just happen to mention their birthday first, which sucks because you actually knew that and now you won’t get any credit for it?"

"So I’ve noticed the new trend for girls’ jeans is to be extremely tapered and tight at the ankle. I think it looks dumb, but then again, what the fuck do I know. My only real concern is that they’re hard to remove while hooking up. What I’d like to see next season is girls’ jeans that rip off like basketball warm-ups. But I’ll settle for boot cut."

Asian Elephants

If elephants have a great memory, does that mean Asian Elephants have a photographic memory?

XOS SportMotion video on YouTube

Who is this?

I Liiiiike.

Quote of the Lunch - 12/20/2006

"I love DUCK." - Head of the table

Diet Coke and Mentos...a new twist!

Top Viral Video of 2006

NFL suspends Cullen one game, fines him $20K

By Len Pasquarelli (ESPN.com)

Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen, arrested twice in the preseason, has been suspended for Sunday's game against the Chicago Bears and also fined $20,000 for what commissioner Roger Goodell termed "conduct detrimental to the league."

The rare sanctions against a coach are the result of an arrest for nude driving on Aug. 24 and for drunken driving on Sept. 1, both misdemeanor charges. Lions coach Rod Marinelli suspended Cullen for the regular season opener but, after meeting with the first-year assistant on Dec. 1, Goodell decided that further action was required.

The suspension took effect on Monday and Cullen cannot work at all with the Lions this week and cannot attend the game against the Bears.

When Cullen was suspended by the team, in September, he was permitted to work with the defensive line as the club prepared for the season opener. It is not known who will assume his duties this week. Marinelli was a longtime defensive line coach in the league before landing the Detroit head coach job, so he may take on the responsibilities.

"The league had previously informed us of this possibility, so this was not unexpected," Marinelli said in a statement. "I do want to say that I am really proud of how Joe has responded to his mistake. He has been getting treatment and has done a commendable job in dealing with his problem. He has definitely learned from his mistake and has moved forward in a very positive manner."

Cullen, 39, was ticketed and cited in August, during training camp when he allegedly went through the drive-in window at a fast-food restaurant late at night and the server noticed he was naked. A week later, he was stopped for erratic driving and registered a blood alcohol content of .12 on a breathalyzer test. The legal limit in Michigan in .08.

The two cases have been continued until Jan. 11, so that Cullen could undergo counseling.

Kornheiser Panhandled in Downtown Jacksonville

Quote of the Morning - 12/19

RE: Clearing of the the throat.

"Good God, is that Andrew in there barking?" - An undisclosed HR employee.

Fire Tony Kornheiser

Fire Tony Kornheiser

"He started with the talk about his fantasy football team very early in the broadcast. Which is good, because it sets the bar very low, very early."

Renaming

Alright, let's get this renaming process started. If you have a new name for the Brown Bag Award submit it here. After you have submitted your choices, El Presidente will create a poll (this one might work) and we will vote on the best.

Deaner's dumb daily trivia contest

Where did Kobe Bryant attend high school?

Weekly look-a-likes: Donyell Marshall and Ludacris

Run, Barack, Run?

Barack rhymes with Iraq. Obama rhymes with Osama. Can you guess his middle name? It just so happens to be Hussein. This may be an issue when he runs for President in '08 or '12. It doesn't affect me, but we have a large population of very ignorant people in this country. Would we elect a president if his middle name was Hitler or Stalin?

Peter Boyle dead at 71

NEW YORK (AP) -- Peter Boyle, who played the tap-dancing monster in "Young Frankenstein" and the curmudgeonly father in the long-running sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond," has died. He was 71.

Boyle died Tuesday evening at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease, said his publicist, Jennifer Plante.

Unearned Success and Media Adoration

There is nothing that pisses me off more then unearned success or prominence in this world, except for the media fascination that is hyped upon those people. Case in point...Nicole Richie.

Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie was recently pulled over for driving the wrong way on a freeway. Who gives a shit? Seriously, who is Nicole Richie. Since when did being a daughter of a musician make you worth discussing. Oh wait, there's Liv Tyler. At least Liv is attractive, unlike this meth freak skeletal whore.

Richie's attorney remarked after her arrest, "This is a difficult time for Nicole but she is prepared to accept whatever responsibility is appropriate. She intends to continue with her career and will deal with any other issues that need to be addressed,"

Unless I missed something, club hopping, getting high, and hanging out with other empowered nobody whores(see Paris Hilton), who live off the hard work of the parents, isn't a career. Oh wait, she's an actress. Check out IMDB to see what her acting career consists of. 5 fucking films, all of which are television episodes, oh, and the Simple Life. The Simple Life?!?!?...one of the biggest pieces of shit on television. Whoever produced that show and continued to feed this fucking trainwreck of a fascination with these dirty whores needs to be beaten twice with a splintered bat.

Another thing, when booked the 5'8" "STAR" weighed a whopping 85 pounds. 85 fucking pounds!!!! Isn't bulimeia part of natural selection intended to rid the world of fucking worthless idiots, who don't understand what it means to become a whole person? Well, count me in as one person who hopes that the eating disorder wins this battle.

KBegs -- the 40 oz chug

100% in love with your tone

First of all, I'm not 100% in love with your tone right now.

Daily Lunch Quote(s) - 12/11/06

"Everyone needs a climax." - Deaner

"I didn't have a nose to support sunglasses until I was 17." - Begs

Under Pressure - Queen

My favorite song as of December 11, 2006:

Brown Bag Award - Winner

Week of December 08, 2006
Brown Bag Award - Winner "Crosscheck attempting for free donuts."

Anna for allowing Crosscheck access to her vehicle while on business. 0%
Jason Dean and his rant on geographic naming conventions for food. 0%
Deaner for spiking his cell phone on the ground while acting 25%
Crosscheck for his attempt at getting free donuts by telling the waitress to ask her manager. 75%

Total votes : 4

1005 certain

"I'm not 100% certain I'm in love with your tone right now," said Lori.
"Well, let me know when you are 100% certain," replied Jud.

Weekly look-a-likes: Korver and Kutcher

While enjoying the Magic-76ers game with good company this past Saturday night, I pointed out the much written about similar looks of Kyle Korver and Ashton Kutcher. This will start a weekly segment of separated at birth type look-a-likes.

Egocentric and Egotistic

e·go·cen·tric
1. having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things: an egocentric philosophy that ignores social causes.
2. having little or no regard for interests, beliefs, or attitudes other than one's own; self-centered: an egocentric person; egocentric demands upon the time and patience of others.

e·go·tis·tic
1. pertaining to or characterized by egotism.
2. given to talking about oneself; vain; boastful; opinionated.
3. indifferent to the well-being of others; selfish.

Brown Bag Award - The Genesis

In the beginning their was the word...and the word was God. And God said unto the Bullpen, let he who comitteth the greatest sin be presented the Brown Bag Award. For we are all sinners, and born unto this earth with many a fault. Lightning did strike upon a great stone and left the 5 commadments for the Brown Bag Award.

1. Thou shalt nominate via email to thine Administrator(El Presidente) your vote for the Brown Bag Award.
2. Thine email shalt be sent no later then the 2pm hour on Friday, the Lord's second favorite day.
3. The posting of thine nominations shalt be on Friday at which the voting shall commence. The winner shall be presented the Brown Bag on Friday or Monday morning.
4. If the children of God cannot decide upon a unanimous Brown Bag winner, then the tying nominations should be vote upon, again.
5. Thou shalt not worship false idols.

And the word is good and true. All God's children say...Amen.

Brown Bag Award - December 8, 2006
Anna for allowing Crosscheck access to her vehicle while on business.
Jason Dean and his rant on geographic naming conventions for food.
Deaner for spiking his cell phone on the ground while acting
Crosscheck for his attempt at getting free donuts by telling the waitress to ask her manager.
Current results

Daily Trivia - Topic - NFL

Daily Trivia

One question per day. Each day a different individual gets to ask a question. Questions may be as simple or as challenging as you choose and of any topic you desire. You may use any resource to find the answer. The answer must be blogged and cannot be given verbally.

The first Bullpen member to guess correctly gets one (1) point. Most points at the end of the week wins.

What player led the NFL with 27 rushing touchdowns in 2003?

Jobberwiki

We may be late to the dance on this...

http://www.jobberwiki.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

Asking a Question

When preparing to have a discussion with an individual is saying, "Can I ask you a question" really necessary?

You have obviously both committed to having a dialogue, which includes many functions such as asking questions, making statements, brainstorming, etc.

We are all victims to this audible crutch, but in the future let's try to be a little better aware of these mistakes.

More offensive?

Dear Simpletons,

(A) "Christ on a raft"

(B) "Christ on a pony"

Signed,
A descendant of Christ

Shoot and then ask questions - or - Ask questions then shoot

Should someone break into my house would I shoot them before understanding their intentions? Yes.

Should someone ring my doorbell when I didn't order any delivery food, would I shoot them? Yes.

If someone I don't know is on my lawn would I shoot them? Maybe. Possibly...it depends on their race and physical features.

Standard questions to ask a perpetrator prior to shooting:
Are you coming in to steal something? If yes, is it something big or small?
Do you really need this or do you want it?
Are you here to rape me? Are you cute? Will you be gentle?
Can we just talk about this?
Did you have issues with your mother? Father? Cousin?


Depending on the answers to these questions, you may either shoot, stab or verbally assault said perpetrator.

I also feel that all people with low sloping foreheads should be shot on site. All people with low sloping foreheads essentially are criminals. Don't believe me? Wikipidia bitch: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cesare_Lombroso

Better way to end an argument?

Option A:
"It is what it is."

Option B:
"Let's agree to disagree."

Failed Sobriety Test

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3992064237357700910&sourceid=searchfeed

Flash Cartoon - Fired Coaches

Here is a great flash cartoon from the Charlotte News Observer. http://www.newsobserver.com/1235/story/518801.html

The List

(1) Deaner
(2) El Presidente
(3) Lori
(4) Sebastian

Deaner's Day Back

10:30 - Roll into work. "What the fuck was that email?" "I gave Brian Cashman a lap dance."
10:45 - Bitch about breaking down the booth to Nick.
11:00 - Bitch about breaking down the booth to the entire office.
11:15 - "How the fuck do you post?" "How the fuck do you comment?" "What the fuck?"
11:45 - "Fuck this. I hate this. "
John says - "It's right there on the screen."
"Fuck that. You did something magical. I hate this."
12:10 - Lunch time. Spike football...spike cell phone. At least he didn't eat a dirty grape.
"Hey John, let's skip to the dessert bar and share a pie. I will rub whip cream on you."
John says - "Deaner...you frighten me."
1:25 - Bitch about breaking down the booth to others.
2:00 - Bitch about breaking down the booth.
3:00 - Call and confirm appointment for "massage"
3:30 - Watch Family Guy.
4:00 - Wander around the office and bitch about breaking down the booth.
4:30 - Play foosball. "Why can't you be fucking creative on offense!"
4:40 - Lose. Pout. Sulk.
4:42 - It's been a long day...time to get my "massage".

CRM Meeting

Line of the meeting candidates:

"Why is it so small?"
"Area = cricket"
"45 - 60 days"

Please feel free to submit any other entries that you feel should be considered.

Open letter to Jason Dean (aka "Deaner")

Dear Mr. Dean,

I hope things are going well at your tradeshow in Orlando. I don’t doubt that your experience and expertise in the tradeshow industry have set you up for smooth sailing at this particular show.

It has been brought to my attention that my shenanigans and chicanery in your direction may have caused you undue emotional stress. In no way have my actions, or what some people call my schtick, been intended to hurt your feelings. Furthermore, I also apologize for not recognizing my wrongdoings and validating your feelings.

I will create a new leaf when we begin work together again next Monday.

Regards,
Nick

Welcome to The Bullpen

A spot for the Bullpen all stars to write down their thoughts, random musings, and for Deaner to fulfill his dream of writing. Thanks for reading.